Bitch! Suppression. Oppression. You are willing me to die but taunt me by keeping my body alive. This IS me. Stop! Harder to concentrate. I can’t think. Bitch. Helpless and angry, a pitiful combination. And you just walk away. 27 June I gaze down the garden path and across to the trees beyond the pond. Sunlight and birdsong. I try to feel something. Anything. There’s no rage left, no anger. But there is nothing to take its place either. I try to hold that thought but I can’t. I know I need you to know that, but helpless, I know it’s unlikely I’ll recall it later. Still staring at the trees, I feel I ought to be responding to the beauty around me. I can see it’s a pretty place, a lovely afternoon. I try again to concentrate. I hear the birds, a light breeze rustling the manicured landscape. I can hear the unusual sounds of children playing in the visitor’s garden. I feel next to nothing in response. I ought to feel so much more. Christopher. I know I should. That’s your fault. I. " Those hills are the Penine hills, they stretch the whole length of England." They look lovely." Well, this time of the year, they’re lovely, we'll go for a walk over there tomorrow." I'd like that." Hey, I gave you five hundred pounds, there are a million shops around here." I never noticed, that copper took all my attention." Well this flat is above an Indian owned food shop and off licence, next door is a butchery, there's a ladies dress and lingerie shop, a ladies hair dressers, a hardware shop, there's a shoe shop as well." Whoa, hold up there, did you mention a ladies dress and lingerie shop?" Yes," I laughed. "Next door but one, come on, I'll get us some steaks from the butchers and show you." Come with me." Not bloody likely, I'm not having you hold up a g-string and asking me if it suits you."She giggled and wrapped her arms around me."Are we going to do it again?" Do what again?"She flicked her tongue in my ear and whispered."Are you going to fuck me again?" You know I am.".
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